If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
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8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.