inside you are two wolves
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ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child