*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
He died doing what he loved: being alive
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.