Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
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“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield