I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
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[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.