[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.