“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Good morning.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My dog learned how to text
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”