No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
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Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.