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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.