In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
But I really needed water water water
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send