Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
#parenting
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog