Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My typo game is string.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I saw nothing
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.