The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
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My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox