A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
You Might Also Like
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I feel it
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…