Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
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If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Just this preview of the story is enough
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired