I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
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Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Never be a pizza!
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.