2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
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This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly