just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
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My boss called in sick of me
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
This makes total sense…