Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
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I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Don’t we all.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.