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Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.