My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
You Might Also Like
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.