Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
You Might Also Like
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.