What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
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Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.