The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
uh oh
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back