Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
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“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.