[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
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Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.