Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
🍛
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King