All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
🤣
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?