when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
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teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent