I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Why are bridges so flammable.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that