My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
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Every. Damn. Time.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
brian had himself a morning…
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out