I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
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Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher