Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
If you know, you know
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.