[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
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My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Stop sending me this shit.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague