friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
You Might Also Like
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.