GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
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Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Easy enough.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this