Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.