the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
You Might Also Like
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly