My friend is dating a guy who won鈥檛 stop taking her to the circus 馃槶
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I鈥檝e got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don鈥檛 think you鈥檙e ready
for this spaghetti
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it鈥檚 time to read instructions and assemble things.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
(yawn)
I鈥檓 not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It鈥檚 not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My son proposed to his fianc茅e about six months ago and she said yes. They鈥檙e super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he鈥檚 4. They鈥檙e all 4.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don鈥檛 know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won鈥檛 happen again.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I鈥檓 tired tomorrow.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.