Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
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“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.