People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
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I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Growing up was a huge mistake
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
“what that mouth do?” complain
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.