Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
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a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
My kitchen overserved me.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*