craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
True
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you