Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
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You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Just a friendly reminder!
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making