my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
The 6 types of sex
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”