I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
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Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I can also cook 😂
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.