My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
You Might Also Like
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.