“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<