dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton