Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
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kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON